


Desolation

by Lillie_Moreau



Category: Tokio Hotel
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Depression, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Twincest, attempted suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-29
Updated: 2016-06-29
Packaged: 2018-07-19 00:03:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7336582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lillie_Moreau/pseuds/Lillie_Moreau
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bill never understood what he did wrong. In his moment of need, he stood all alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lost

**Author's Note:**

> I originally posted this work on TokioHotelFiction.com and wanted to post it on here to get more reads and exposure. My pen name there is dark_heart if you wish to read others I have written but haven't decided to share here.
> 
> This story also brings awareness to cyber bullying. This is also based loosely on personal experience (I wasn't the bully but I was bullied online).

**Present Day**  
Bill Kaulitz sank down on his bed, his chest tight. His body felt numb and cold. His head was spinning at a million miles per hour. He couldn’t understand how things had spun out of control. Nothing made sense. Bill had once been the most popular guy in school. Now he could barely walk down the halls without people making snide comments at him or giving him dirty looks. Even his three best friends, Andreas, Georg, and Gustav hid in the shadows from him, as though his very presence would suddenly afflict them. The only time they spoke to him was in text outside of school.

He stood up and paced around his room, running his fingers through his long black hair. Bill gasped for breath and a new waves of tears crashed into him like a giant tidal wave. A soft scream slipped out and he fell to the floor. His heart ached and all he wanted was to rip the feelings out and push them into a dark corner. 

Bill forced himself off the floor and stumbled over to his desk where is computer sat. He flipped open the screen and turned on his video camera. For a few moments he sat staring at the screen. No words came to him at first but after several deep breaths he gained the confidence he needed. Pressed record, he started to speak.

“I don’t know if anyone will watch this or if it will even matter to anyone. I can finally say I understand what I've done to others. The things that I have been through in the last month are things that I would never wish on anyone else. Not even the people I hate the most. People misjudge the power of words and just how powerful they can be. No one has ever laid a hand on me but I feel as though I’ve been stabbed over and over again. I see no point in trying anymore. No point in sharing my life with my family or even my twin brother. No point in living. So to those of you who were hoping to get to me, congratulations, you win,” Bill said, surprised that he was able keep his voice steady. 

He leaned over and hit the stop button. It took him less than five minutes to upload the video to Facebook. He stared at it for a little bit before he decided to leave the page open. Suddenly a sense of calm washed over his body and he could almost feel his body switching into auto pilot. Before his mind could register what was happening he had made it into the bathroom and dumped a bottle of Xanax pills into his hand. Saying a silent pray he swallowed the handful of them and then sank to the bathroom floor. He pulled his knees up to his chest. The tears started to flow again and he rocked back and forth wishing that someone would come running up the stairs and find him. Yet no one came. Then he waited. 

The minutes seem to crawl by at a snail’s pace as he waited for the rush of a high to come; and it came. The room started to spin and Bill felt as though his body was floating. He started to feel weak, his head falling against his chest before he slumped against the tub and eventually slid down to the floor. His heart rate slowed and so did his breathing. It was almost blissful to know that he wouldn’t have to deal with the harsh words of his peers. Bill slowly closed his eyes, feeling exhausted as the medicine wove its way through his veins. He sighed peacefully and let darkness close in around him.  
****  
Tom dragged his feet behind his mom as they walked down each aisle of the grocery store. He poked around on his new iPhone trying to find something interesting so the long hours at the store wouldn’t seem so boring. As he was surfing through Facebook, a new video post from his brother. He frowned slightly wondering why his brother was suddenly being social after weeks of barely speaking. He clicked play and felt his heart constrict in his chest. The face of his brother tore his heart apart. Tom needed him to be okay. Bill was the person who held Tom together through everything. The tears in Bill’s voice caused a lump to form in his throat. 

 

“Mom,” he croaked, brushing tears off his cheeks. His mom turned around when she heard the sorrow in her son’s voice. 

“What’s wrong?” she asked, temporarily forgetting about the shopping and putting a gentle hand on her son’s shoulder.

“B’s going to kill himself,” Tom whispered. His mom starred at him for a few moments thinking that she was joking but when she saw how pale her son was and how scared he look she whipped out her cell phone, dialing 911.

“Hello, 911 operator, what is your emergency?” the lady on the other end of the phone answered.

“Yes, my son Bill is going to kill himself and he is home alone. My name is Simone Trumper and I live at 1711 Pine Drive,” Simone said in a rush. “My other son Tom and I are on our way home.”

“We are sending an ambulance to your house as we speak,” the operator replied.

“You have my permission to break down any door if I’m not there before the ambulance gets there,” Simone said.

“Thank you Mrs. Trumper, the ambulance is now en route,” she said. 

Simone hung up the phone and without even bothering to push her cart out of the way she dragged Tom out of the store. Simone had always been one to follow the rules of the road, but knowing that her eldest son could be dying in her house erased all thoughts of speed limits. She sped down the highway and barely made the turn off at her exit. Her car raced through the side streets until she finally got to the large house that they called home.

“Tom, call your father and tell him to get off work now!” She cried. 

Simone all but fell out of the car as she bolted up to the door and flung it wide open. She raced up the stairs screaming Bill’s name and was heartbroken when there was no response. Simone ran into his room, bursting in the door. Upon not seeing Bill she ran into the bathroom and collapsed on the body of her son. His chest moved up and down but it was barely noticeable. She couldn’t think, all she could manage was screams of terror and anguish. 

Outside Tom could hear the frightened cries of his mother and panic rose up in his chest. When his dad answered the phone he only managed to get out two words; “home” and “now.” Tom was only seconds behind his mother in getting to the bathroom. He fell onto the floor next to his mother and Bill, tears now pouring off his cheeks. He reached out and grabbed Bill’s hand, but it was icy cold and there was no reaction. The only consolation was the fact that his twin’s chest continued to move up and down at a slow but steady pace. Entering the bathroom was the medical crew. Getting him onto a stretcher as quickly as they could, the team rushed him out the door hoping that they would get him to the hospital in time. Tom and Simone followed down to the front door and stared after the ambulance. Tom could not remember a time he had ever seen Bill in such a weakened and vulnerable state.


	2. Popular

**Two months earlier**

Bill walked down the halls of his high school with his soccer bag slung over his shoulder. He smiled and waved to everyone and he got the same response. Everyone loved him, or at least acted like they loved him. He was one of the most popular young men. Bill was student body president, captain of the varsity soccer team, and his name was always on the honor roll. Bill grabbed his books from his locker before heading to his first period AP Biology class. He sauntered to the back of the room and sat down next to his friend Andreas.

“How did the homework go for you?” Andreas asked, flipping through the pages of his lab report. Bill shrugged.

“It wasn’t too bad. It was a lot easier than I thought it was going to be,” Bill said. Andreas grabbed Bill’s homework and his eyes rapidly scanned the page before he gave his best friend a scathing look.

“Would it hurt you for once to do your own homework?” Andreas questioned.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Bill said, batting his eye lashes innocently.

“This is clearly Tom’s work. He is the only reason you are even close to passing this class. You are terrible at science,” Andreas said, tossing the paper back to Bill’s desk. “You’re lucky that Tom is some sort of genius and gets that private education.” Bill snorted.

“Right, being the twin of a genius is lucky,” Bill grumbled. 

As students continued to pour into the classroom, both Andreas and Bill pulled out their phones and started scrolling through their various social media apps. Bill scrolled through his Instagram feed and noticed that a girl in his Biology class had posted a new picture of herself to her page. Bill stared at the picture for a few minutes before gagging and leaning over to Andreas to show him what he deemed to be a hideous selfie. Andreas wrinkled his nose and then pointed towards the front of the classroom where the girl was sitting.

“If you were that ugly why would you post a picture of your face?” Bill asked, just loud enough for the whole classroom to hear. “I mean, seriously, spare the rest of us the pain of looking at you.” Most of the class laughed and the girl ducked her head down. Bill smirked.

“Moo!” Andreas yelled, just as the teacher was walking into the classroom. Turning to whisper to Bill, “I don’t think make-up could even fix that face of hers.” 

Bill slid down in his seat as he burst into a fit of hysterics. He pulled his twitter feed up and posted the quote from Andreas tagging the girl in it. He then proceeded to post the same thing on the girl’s Facebook page. A wave of snickering went around the classroom as Bill and Andreas continued to post their running commentary about various unpopular members of the classroom. The teacher tried on several accounts to stop the whispering but eventually gave up and she continued to drone on through the different slides of the power point presentation. While Bill was busy create a slew of more hurt feelings and pain, he got a text from Tom.

Tom: B, knock it off with the posting shit about people. Honestly, you wonder why no one wants to be friends with you. Eventually someone is going to do that to you and then what will you do?

Bill: Don’t lecture me, Tomi. Did you see that girl’s face? I’m not making anything up and there is no law about stating the facts about certain situations. It’s not my fault that people can’t handle the truth and take it the wrong way.

Tom: There was nothing wrong with that girl! Just because she isn’t as gorgeous as you doesn’t mean you have to tear her down. Seriously, I’m surprised you have friends at all.

Bill: Andreas appreciates my sense of humor and agrees with me. He started it in the first place.

Tom: Right, because Andi is the best example of a good moral compass. Just stop it before you’re the reason some girl decides to kill herself! Sometimes I can’t believe that I love you enough to put up with your shit.

Bill: You’re my twin, you are obligated to love me. I am honestly not that bad of a person. And she isn’t going to kill herself. She doesn’t have the balls to do so.

Tom: I’m sure that is what everyone thinks when they start making fun of someone. Then someone does go and kill themselves and you have their death on your hands. Do you know what mom and dad would do if they found out about these postings?

Bill rolled his eyes and stuffed his phone back into his pocket. He folded his arms across his chest, clenching his jaw until his teeth hurt. Andreas poked him in the arm and raised an eye brow at him.

“You are going to break your teeth if you keep that up. Did Tom say something to you again?” Andreas asked.

“I feel like he is stalking all of my sites. It isn’t his business what I decide to post about other people. I mean, our fellow students have the right to know that they are in the presence of terrible and ugly people,” Bill said earnestly. Andreas put his hand over his mouth when he started laughing. He felt like a bad person but enjoyed Bill paying attention to him too much to dwell on the guilt.

“There’s not a lot to say about your personality. I’m just glad that you are on my side and not against me,” Andreas chuckled. Bill pursed his lips, flipping the other boy off. 

“You are just as obnoxious as I am and you know it,” Bill teased. “Speaking of us, are you, Georg, and Gustav coming by the house after school? We all have that huge world history exam to study for.”

“Last I heard we were all coming over. I don’t see any reason why that would have changed,” Andreas replied. Bill nodded but decided to text the other two just in case Andreas had gotten any of his information mixed up.

“This class need to be over,” Bill groaned, earning a few more laughs from people around the room, Andreas being one of them.

“At least there are still people we haven’t judged yet. Imagine the day that we have no one else to tweet about,” Andreas said. Bill grinned in an evil way and stuck his tongue out.

“Oh the horror," he gasped in mock horror.


	3. Regret

**Present Day**  
Bill woke up to Tom stroking the back of his hand and Simone pushing the hair out of his face. At the foot of his hospital bed, stood his father with a pained expression on his face. Bill turned his head slowly to look around and figure out where he was. He felt a sinking feeling hit his stomach when he realized that he was in the hospital and not in his personal heaven. Bill sucked in a deep breath and tried to push himself up into a sitting position but only ended up weakly slumping back against his pillows.

“I wouldn’t try to move too much,” Tom said. “The doctors put you on some heavy sedatives so you wouldn’t have to deal with too much pain after they pumped your stomach.” 

Bill nodded but didn’t feel like saying anything. The past two months flashed before his eyes in a painful swirl of colorful memories. Looking back on everything he had ever done to the people of his high school, he was surprised that he had been the student body president and a soccer captain. Being on the other side of both true and untrue rumors was more painful than Bill had imagined it would be. He pulled his hand away from Tom and curled up on his side. He could only imagine the things that people would be posting about him now. He could almost hear their cruel laughter and the constant whispering as he passed by in the halls. The bully becomes the bullied; how ironic. 

Tom rubbed his brother’s shoulder softly while Simone and Gordon talked with the doctor outside. Bill closed his eyes and leaned into his brother’s touch. He could never get enough of Tom and wished that they could be more open with their relationship. Bill opened his eyes and stared up at Tom.

“Why didn’t you just let me die?” Bill croaked, tears starting to run down his face. “I don’t want to deal with any of the things that people are saying about me.” Tom raised an eyebrow at his brother.

“Seriously? You’re worried about what they are saying about you after what you have said about many of them over the years? You can’t be that stupid,” Tom replied. “I know that you’re fragile right now but you should have seen this coming. It was only a matter of time before someone decided that they wanted revenge on you.” Bill glared up at his brother.

“I am not that bad of a person. People have to learn to get over it. It isn’t my fault that people take things too personally,” Bill hissed. Tom pulled his hand away from his brother’s shoulder.

“You’ve become someone I don’t know. You say people shouldn’t take things like what they said about you personally, yet you decided to try and take your life over things that people said,” Tom said. “Wake up, B. You’re a bitch and everyone knows it. They were just looking for the perfect rumor to start about you.” Bill pushed himself up onto his elbows.

“You think that just because you have a private education you know all the darkest parts of my life. Do yourself a favor and get out of here. I don’t want you right now,” Bill said. Tom rolled his eyes but didn’t bother to move away from the bed.

“You’re going to attack me for going to a private engineering school? There is nothing wrong with me being smart. You may have the outer beauty but at least I have the brains to not be an asshole to everyone around me. You wonder why Andreas, Georg, and Gustav won’t go near you? Have you even bothered to check the facts about what people have been spreading about you?” Tom replied. “Why don’t you do yourself the favor and wake up to what is really going on around you.”

Out of his book bag that was lying in a nearby chair, Tom pulled out his laptop. With ease he pulled up the Facebook page that was in Bill’s name. He spun it around so that it was facing his brother and Bill saw what his classmates believed to be the truth about him.

Post #1: Thank God the bitch tried to die. It was the first smart thing he has ever done in his life.

Post #2: Maybe now everyone is finally safe from his judgments. Too bad he didn’t actually die.

Post #3: I heard that fag has AIDS. That what’s you get for being a little fairy.

Post #4: He deserves to die a slow painful death from AIDS. Hopefully he hasn’t been spreading it around the school.

Post #5: He is probably a drag queen on the side. I mean, he looks like a girl anyways.

Post #6: Maybe he will die in the hospital and save us the pain of seeing his face ever again.

Bill pulled his knees up to his chest and shut his brother’s laptop. Tears started rolling down his cheeks once again and he felt a pit of despair open up in his stomach. As he had been staring at the letters on the screen he started to understand the pain that he put everyone else through. The fact that he was gay probably didn’t surprise half of the school’s population. Bill had never tried to hide his preferences too much, but the rumor that he had AIDS was more than he could bare. He found himself growing angry at Tom and his mother for saving his life. Bill didn’t care if it made people happy or sad, he simply didn’t want to deal with anyone spreading false statements.

“That’s what you’ve been doing to people, B,” Tom said, running his fingers through his brother’s hair. He leaned down and gently kissed his twin. “Don’t you dare think about trying to kill yourself again. While some people might enjoy you being gone, I don’t think I could bear the thought of living in this town without you.” Bill wrapped his arms around his brother and cried into his shoulder. He wanted to see a ray of hope but couldn’t imagine it ever coming soon enough.


End file.
